An Ambulance, a Helicopter and a Movie

Dear Family & Friends,

As many of you know, the day of Allie's accident she was flown via helicopter from Felton to Valley Medical. When I got the call I told myself all the way to the hospital that it had to be a mistake. It wasn't Allie's car and it was not her that had been flown. When we arrived, the helicopter was still on the roof. Still, I told myself it was not my baby girl that had arrived in it. When we walked in the ER the place was packed. I went up to someone and said that we heard our daughter was there. I told them her name. They quickly brought us in. My heart sank. I felt sick.

Since that day the sound of a helicopter brings tears to my eyes. While we were at Valley Med. we heard them on a regular basis, but never did I get use to it. I tried to tell myself that it was a good thing. Without the speed and care of the air ambulance, Allie likely would not have made it. Still, the thought of her without me or her dad. She must have been so afraid. Fortunately, she remembers nothing of the experience but that gives me little comfort.

Monday before last, Allie started experiencing high pressure alarms and was having much more difficulty breathing than usual. It didn't appear that she had much in the way of secretions though. We moved her back from her chair vent to the bedside hoping that the moist air might help. She did okay through the night, but woke up in the morning unable to get a breath from her vent. I bagged her on and off, but every attempt to put her back on the vent failed. Adam was home and I called for him to help. We took turns giving her breaths from the ambu bag, while I called an ambulance and got things ready to go. Adam called Samantha so they could follow behind to the hospital.

The Paramedics and Felton Fire arrived. They were great. I got to ride in the back with Allie to give her breaths and she was calm and appeared very brave. We arrived at Dominican ER. Her friends arrived and took turns keeping her company and trying to keep her spirits up.

Attempts were made to suction and put her back on her vent to no avail. I requested she be transferred to Kaiser Santa Clara thinking they were better equipped to handle Allie's special needs. While I was out of the room (talking with Kaiser) she was being given breaths by someone else. When I came back in the room she said she couldn't breathe and was going to faint. I saw that the bag was not completely attached to her breathing tube. I don't know how long it had been like that. We got it attached and gave her a breath. Too late. She went out. Michelle, Jordan and I watched in fear, as it seemed certain that this time, she would be taken away from us.

In an all too familiar scene the room filled with people. I remember yelling this time. I was not only scared but very angry. I heard someone say she had no pulse. She was given CPR. I heard someone say he felt a pulse but it was thready.  The next thing I knew she was gritting her teeth and I asked for a bite stick. By the time I got one, she had bitten her tongue very badly. I don't know how long she was gone this time.

She was moved to ICU. She wouldn't be going anywhere right away. It was a long night. Some how, I felt we were losing time. She was put on a vent with altered settings and given much needed potassium (turns out her BP Meds. deplete her of potassium).

The next day the decision was made to transfer her to Kaiser, via helicopter. She was adamant that she would not go. She was sure she would either die from lack of breath on the way or that they would crash. We tried to assure her that it was the safest way. But, inside the thought of the necessity of another helicopter ride made me want to crawl in a hole. Allie wanted to go home. She was done. No more she begged me. "I can't do this anymore mom just please take me home" she cried and it broke my heart in more pieces than it is already. Finally, she agreed but only if I could go with her. I told her I'd do my best to make that happen.  Ron, went ahead over the hill to be there in case they wouldn't let me ride with Allie. Auntie Sandi and Jordan went as well. My sisters Vicky and Pam stayed behind to see us off in hopes that they would allow me to go, and to give me a ride over the hill just in case they wouldn't. I was able to convince them to let me go. Allie was calmer and did pretty good until we got in and she saw that I had to ride in the front and we couldn't see each other. She began to panic. It seemed a very long ride. I could hear what the nurses in the back were saying, but I couldn't talk to Allie. I could tell by the nurses conversation that she was in serious respiratory distress.

When we arrived things happened quickly. Nurses appeared on the roof to greet us. I was told that she passed out in the helicopter, but briefly. We wheeled her into ICU and picked up Ron who was waiting, along the way. She was moved from the gurney onto her bed. Dad and I were there. She had the help she needed. She was going to be okay. Accept that she kept saying she couldn't breathe. I looked into her face and tried to tell her to relax and that she would be okay. Then we saw her eyes go into that fixed stare. She was going away again. Code Blue was called. The room once again filled with people. She was given something to jump start her heart and CPR. All that her dad and I could do was stay close to her, rubbing her head and begging her not to give up and leave us.

It is impossible to know how long it would have been before Allie came to, because of the drugs she had been given. Her ENT and Pulmonary Dr.'s were called in. While she was out, they took a look in her airway. The stenosis (granulation tissue, scar tissue or whatever you want to call it) that was present in her trachea just below where her trach tube ended, had gotten so bad her airway was nearly closed. This is the area that has been preventing Allie from having enough air to pass up over her vocal chords so that she can speak. It was really amazing that she was getting any air at all. Also, from the amount of bagging she had been receiving over the last 24 hours, her tissue was very dry. They performed an emergency procedure at bedside removing dried mucus and enough tissue so that she could breath while they planned the next step. Ron and I watched as they removed her trach and she was left without air over and over again for what seemed to us long periods of time while they went down her trachea with their instruments. Then as they tried different sizes of tubes to see what would fit in her small airway. With each attempt our hearts sank. Our fear was the type that makes you feel as if you are coming out of your skin. I could feel Ron's terror and his overwhelming desire to do something to help. We were so very helpless to do anything to change our baby's situation. All of our hopes and trust in God and three doctors that we barely know. Then one of her doctor's looked over at me and gave me the thumb's up. They had a tube in her that would fit and allow air to reach her lungs. For now she was safe.

The next day the decision was made to perform laser surgery to hopefully open up Allie's airway permanently. That evening Ron and I waited almost two hours for what was suppose to be a 45 minute procedure. Friends and family came by or called for updates. As time went by, the process of watching the door waiting for the Doctors to come and talk to us, was something I was getting to know well. I knew that as soon as I saw their faces, I would know my girl pulled through again.

The procedure was a success. The tissue was lasered, cut and injected with steroids. There is no guarantee of course that the tissue will not "grow" and close up her airway again. Allie's body has an amazing ability to heal and that is pretty much what her tissue is trying to do -- fighting that artificial piece of plastic in her body where it doesn't belong, but is necessary to keep her alive. The docs explained to us that another temporary tube had been placed instead of her regular trach to try and maintain as much of the "space" that had been made.

Now most people after an ordeal and surgery such as Allie's would sleep for a while. But, not our Al. By the time we had finished talking to the doctors and got to her room she was wide awake and giving the nurses a hard time. She hates to wake up and see that her mom isn't there! We knew then that our Allie was really back.

We got to bring Allie home the next day. Uncle Doug and Auntie Sandi came to the hospital to spend the day and see her safely in her van for the trip home to the redwoods.

Since home Allie's been doing pretty good. Her breathing via her vent is fine. She only wears her collar when she's up in her chair. Trips in the van are less uncomfortable for her. She's getting more use to the lift. She's trying very hard to relax during transfers but still hates them.

Wednesday Allie asked if we could go to the movies (Blind Side great flick by the way). Adam, Keenan and I loaded up and off we went. Ron met us there and after we went out for Chinese. Her resilence is mind boggling.

Torture is the word that comes to mind, when I think of all Allie has gone through. I wonder when the steps back will be smaller steps and those forward bigger. I wonder when her smiles will be more frequent than her looks and cries of fear, loss, sadness and pain.

She continues to grieve for her former life. She watches friends carry on with their lives, busy with school, jobs and their social scene. She has a great feeling of loss for those friends too uncomfortable to continue a friendship with her. She's grateful for those that can. I know in time she will form new friendships like the one with Connor who understands much more about what she's going through than any of us can.

Allie's talking about taking some online classes. Her laptop broke in the accident so we are looking into getting her a new one and finding some hardware and software that will be appropriate for her. Continuing her education will be a great boost for her.

As a mother, I continue to pressure her. I tell her to eat more, drink more water, be more positive, and to try and tough it through things. The real truth is that everyday I ask myself how does she do it? She amazes me beyond belief and I could not be prouder.

I want to give a very special thanks to just a few of the people that have helped bring light to this most difficult journey:

Kathy who continues to come every morning to give Allie range of motion
Uncle Doug, Auntie Vicky & Auntie Sandi for their regular visits, love, patience and the comfort they give their niece and relief to Ron and I
Kelly, Wendy & Kathy for arranging meals for us and to all of you who provided them
Kerry for your regular visits, mochas for me and love and crossiants for Allie
Sharon for your thoughtful and fun gifts for Allie
All of you that have and continue to contribute to Allie's SNT
Bob for the moral support and all the help getting us through the system
All of Allie's friends that love her and continue to visit, include her in things and help out
Stacey for her continued support and help
June for your words of faith and prayers for Allie
The Dalton's for being the meals go-between
Phyllis for your special love for Allie
Susan for the treats and morning visits
My Anjel Banjel for running errands and being such a good big sis
Adam for help with transfers that make your sister feel safe
My husband who puts up with me and Allie even when we are our most difficult
All of you that have said prayers, wished Allie well, and have kept us in your thoughts

Thank you. We are so lucky and blessed to have you.

Please continue with us to believe in Allie's recovery.


Peace, Love & Happiness,
Deborah