The Last Post

Dear Family & Friends,

Well, apparently I'm not that good at keeping some promises since I did promise I would update the blog soon....I know it has been a long time since my last post. Ron tells me all the time that people constantly ask about Allie and whether I will be updating the blog soon and we still get the occasional message requesting an update so, here I am.

In September our daughter Anjel's long awaited wedding took place. What an awesome party! She of course was the most stunningly gorgeous bride ever! Her groom, John wasn't bad either :). I can't tell you how much this happy event meant to my family. It was long overdue to have such an amazing event to celebrate with all our family and many of our closest friends. It was a three-day long event beginning with the rehearsal dinner the previous night, the wedding of the century :) and the day following the wedding spent drinking champagne on a touring bus while visiting a few of  the finest wineries. Honestly, my jaws hurt from smiling so much. The last time I remember having been so happy and having so much fun, was when Ron and I were married nearly 25 years ago. The wedding was in Livermore so we took the motorhome. Ron and Adam stayed in the hotel room and we were literally parked right next to their window. We were able to hook up to power and had our own little area with lawn for the dogs. The set-up was much better than I had hoped for. All of the wedding party most of our family and many of the guests stayed at the hotel as well, so it felt like we owned the place! Jordan came along with us and stayed with Allie and I in the motorhome. Her presence really helped to make an incredible yet very challenging trip successful. She was Allie's constant companion allowing me to spend some quality time with Anjel, which I will be forever grateful This was the longest time Allie had spent in the motorhome and although she does have a good full-size adjustable bed, it has only an air inflated overlay opposed to the top-of-the-line programmable mattress she has at home. She is never quite as comfortable away from home but she was a great sport and did little complaining.

Allie was absolutely beautiful as one of 7 bridesmaids in purple. She decided to have Adam escort her so that she wouldn't have her chair controls in front of her face. My handsome son in his tux and she in her pretty dress, they made quite the pair. All I know is that everyone around me was so touched that they were crying nearly as much as I was. When Ron walked Anjel down, well it was almost more than I could take! It's a good thing I only have two daughters this wedding stuff is emotionally exhausting (in a good way though)!

It was a very long few days for Allie. And as always events/times like these can be a mixed bag as they remind Allie of her many restrictions. With the help of Jordan and her aunties and the love and support of her uncles, cousins and friends she handled it all like the extraordinary young woman she is.

I guess the biggest news is that I am back to working over the hill.  Ron is limiting jobs to those close to home, to be here in the afternoons to help Marsha get Allie up, since it still takes two. It has been a MAJOR adjustment for both me and Allie. We miss each other and she worries a little about my being on the road so much. As for me, I am happy to say that I feel very good about working and know that she is in good hands and safe at home. Things have come a long way since the days when I couldn't go to the grocery store without that feeling of panic or tears because I felt so sad leaving her, not to mention her fear of being without me for any period of time. I'm still caring for her at night which makes getting up in the am a bit tough, but she's made a huge effort to wake me fewer times so we are getting it done.

That's where I left off when I began to get you all up to date. December was a wonderful month for Allie. She pushed herself more than ever. She had a huge party for her birthday at our house (thank you to Kerry and  Brianna for all your work to make it happen). Everyone had an awesome time, including some of us old people that got to join in the dancing and fun! She made it with the help of Ashley and Mike to attend another Coffis Brothers Concert and she had a blast on New Years Eve partying with friends at Christopher's house.

On Thursday, January 17th Marsha and Auntie Vicky took Al to get her eyebrows done. It was a beautiful sunny day and she asked to sit out in the sun in front of the salon before going home. She wasn't feeling great but she was happy to be able to feel the sun on her face. Before I got home, she was feeling lousy enough to ask her Auntie and Dad to help her to bed. She was sick all night and because I had had the flu, I figured I had given it to her. So, I wasn't overly concerned. The next morning I went to work. I couldn't concentrate. I was worried about Allie. I called Marsha and she agreed that it would be a good idea if I came home. Allie's abdomen was pretty distended by the time I got there. We decided that she had to go to the  hospital and find out what was going on.  We got  stuff  packed. We called for the ambulance when we were ready to go. I rode with Allie and Marsha followed in her car.

We arrived at Dominican ER at about 1:30 pm. Being familiar with us, the doctor was great and said that it was likely that Allie had some sort of blockage that was causing the distension. She had an xray that confirmed a blockage of some kind. A CT Scan was ordered. Another doctor was called in. Maybe it was my imagination but during the scan, I thought I heard a very small gasp from the Tech. When we wheeled out and I turned to thank the Tech I noticed she said your welcome with her eyes averted. Both these things could have been my imagination. Still, my insides started to feel a little sick.

Soon after, the doctor came to Allie's room and asked me if I had a minute to talk. We left Allie with her nurse (she was great and I felt fine leaving Allie alone with her for a few minutes). The doctor began by asking me about who I lived with (another red flag). He said that he imagined that we'd been through a lot and that he knew Allie had been in the ER quite a few times. I said yes. Allie had survived many close calls and set-backs. He told me that she was not going to survive this one. He explained what was going on and handed me the CT Scan report. Those few internal organs of Allie's that were still functioning were quickly shutting down. If it weren't for Allie's spinal cord injury she would be in unbearable pain. The blessing of the curse. This could have been slowly happening since surgeries after her injury (infarctions are most often caused from scar tissue). She had no way of telling us and we had no way of knowing. There had been no indications that anything was wrong.

In the past when doctors told me things I didn't want to hear, I knew somehow that we'd get through it, that she would make it, that I'd be taking her home. This time, I knew that what he was telling me was going to come true. We were going to lose her.

I asked him how long we had. He told me it could be a few hours or a few days. I asked him which he thought was more likely. He didn't want to predict but thought it would more likely be hours than days. We walked back to Allie's room.

As soon as we walked in she looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told Allie that we had really bad news. She asked me "how bad?" I told her "the worst kind of bad baby". The doctor explained to Allie what exactly was happening. She took it in. She asked questions. He answered them all as best he could.  He explained to her all her options. She decided she wanted to stay at Dominican (opposed to transferring to Kaiser) to be closer to her friends. She wanted to be alert as long as possible so she could enjoy visitors. She only wanted pain medication if it was absolutely necessary.

How could this be happening? How could she, my princess of only 23 years old, be having this discussion? She was so calm. When the doctor left, Allie told me to start asking her questions. I know there are more things I need to talk about and decide, she said. So, I asked questions and she gave me the answers. She never asked why me, she never said it's not fair or told me she was scared or angry. She asked me if I was going to be okay. She told me how she'd always heard that losing a child is the worst possible thing a person could ever go through. She knew she was dying and her biggest concern was me!

I called Ron and told him to come. He could tell by the tone of my voice that something was very wrong. I heard his voice crack. I heard the sound of fear and panic. He couldn't wait until he got to the hospital, I had to tell him over the phone.  I called Marsha and she said she was on her way. I called my sister and asked her to make the calls to the family. I began calling Allie's many friends.

When the hospital told me that she could have as many visitors as she wanted, I questioned whether they understood how many people that might be. She can have as many as she wants, they told me. I am happy to say that the staff at Dominican was wonderful and stayed true to their promise.

People began arriving almost immediately. Within the hour her room (two ER Rooms opened up together) was full. Samantha, Scotty, Nick and Peggy were in Tahoe when they got the call, and jumped in the car and headed for the hospital. Lindsey and Haley had to make the drive from LA. Allie's cousins were in Tahoe, my brother and his family were down south. Everybody came as soon as they could.

If Allie were 105 I don't think she could have demonstrated more maturity, grace and bravery than she did that day. She spent time with each friend asking if there was something special of hers that they would like to have, to remember her by. She joked, teased and was her usual bossy smart-ass self. We cried. She kept it together. Allie had asked me to let her friends stay as long as possible until I thought the time was close and then she wanted to be with her family. I don't remember what time I asked everyone to go. They didn't want to leave. Nobody wanted to say goodbye. By the time it was just us, Allie was pretty weak and sleepy. We stayed close. We re-assured her. We thanked her for hanging in there for us for so long even though ever since the accident she had been so unhappy. We told her how much we loved her. Allie died at around 5 am.

Later that day, the doctor called and asked me if I would share with him the way things went after he left. I did. He told me that Allie's experience in those last hours was something that just never happens. We in the medical field never see anything like it. We have to create a cloud for most in the end. Allie created her own.  It's a story that should be told, he said.

Six days later we celebrated Allie with the party she requested and I think would have been very pleased, impressed and shocked by. Over 500 people came to laugh, cry and share stories of Allie. They toasted her with shots of Patron, drinking from a straw the way she had since the accident. They comforted us and we did our best to comfort them. The girls put together posters and mounted pictures on canvas for the walls. They brought  decorated candles. A team of mom's (Susan, Laura, Phyllis, Rosalie, Katie, Pam, Kerry, etc.) got together and saw to it that there were tables full of food.  The Coffis Brothers came to play music. Scott Kruger all the way from Argentina scrambled to produce an amazing video from the tons of pics that we all gathered.  Kerry and Brianna took on the task of scanning them all and sending them to him, along with our playlist.  Scott could not have done a better job putting it all together. The finished product is a touching and very moving representation of Allie's all too short but full life. With Mike's added last minute help we got it up just in time for the party. It will forever be one of my greatest treasures! Phyllis and Michelle had cards made with Allie's picture and a couple of her favorite sayings printed on it for people to take with them. They had special candles made with her picture. The hall was beautiful with the many arrangements of gorgeous flowers that had been delivered.

Many got up to speak. A common theme being Allie's uncommon courage and strength. She was feisty. She was fun to be around. She loved her family and friends with a passion. She tested every one's patience. She expected the most from herself and those around her. She was a best friend to many. She was an energetic bright light with a profound sense of instinct and understanding. She was wise beyond her years. She was dearly and deeply loved and will be forever missed.

Allie taught us all so much in her last few years. Watching her persevere taught us to have an appreciation for things we had previously given little thought to. Ashley shared with me her thoughts that although Allie was never able to obtain that teaching degree she had wanted, she turned out to be one of the greatest teachers ever.

Ron, Adam, Anjel, Alonzo and I have received over 100 cards and letters in the mail. In 23 short years, Allie touched more people in a positive way than most of us, regardless of how long we live, could ever hope to. She brought an already close extended family even closer and an entire community closer.

As for me, Allie showed me that along with my fighting and often stubborn spirit lies a patience and calm, I didn't know I had. Living the life we had post-injury taught me that receiving with grace can demonstrate as much, if not more, strength as giving. I learned the impact that simply being kind has on us all.  I learned how much better I feel when I let go of the uselessness of anger. I learned that an unwise person bases success on how much they make or have, instead of how much they are willing to give up for others or how much others are willing to give up for them.  I discovered how a broken heart can slowly begin to heal by gardening, running your horse down the beach, seeing a rare smile on your daughter's face or hearing her laugh. My baby girl's struggles as a result of the accident, may have broken my heart, but the sudden loss of her blasted a hole in it. There is a huge hole in my heart and I don't expect it to ever fill in. I promised Allie that I would be okay and that is a promise I will do my best to keep. Fortunately, I am surrounded by the gifts that Allie left behind. The new friendships that have been forged are many and mighty. The friendships that already existed even stronger now.

The pain Ron and I feel is so deep, so sharp. I now know what "to the depths of my soul" means, because that's how deep it hurts.  We miss our girl every day even though we know she's still with us and always will be. We are grateful for the years we had her with us here on earth. We always knew she was special, that her life would be remarkable.

DO NOT FEAR DEATH FEAR NOT LIVING
LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE, LOVE THE LIFE YOU LIVE

Ron and I thank you all for the support, faith, kindness and love that you have showered us with. There have been so many of you there for us in so many different ways. I wish I could name you all but the list would go on and on and would never be complete. Hopefully, you know who you are. We've been held up by our closest family and friends that were a constant in our home and our hearts, as well as the strangers who showed kindness and generosity to Allie and us in so many different ways...thank you. 

Love, Peace & Happiness
-Deborah
April 2, 2013

ALEXANDRIA ANN POMIANOWSKI
12/21/1989 - 1/19/2013